To Mr. DAP

A Letter To the Bestie.

Davonte -- Boy, I used to hate you in kindergarten. You swore you was sooo much smarter than everyone else. (You Lied!) But you made me want to be smarter, so that was a good thing about that. lls We weren't really friends then, but we both sat at the pink table, so we were associates. It seemed like you hated, because you always knew the stuff about me that I wasn't ready to admit yet. Like you could see through me or some ish... creepy right. (especially because you still do the same thing). Then there was third grade, idk what happened but we got cool then. We actually had conversations that didn't involve arguments. It was chill. I think I really realized you were my best friend when I got to 5th grade though. Swear, we fought every Friday like clockwork, but still we managed to get past it by Monday. And Kevin almost always ended up in the middle. But through it all, we were like the three musketeers. I thank you (and Kevin)l for being my friend when I hated girls, and when they hated me. I could go on & on about our years in middle school, but it doesn't matter. We went through the same shit. You were always seeing through whatever fronts I tried to put up because you knew the real me, I respect that. You were always a reality check. And even when I was in ninth grade, you stayed true. I will forever remain greatful for your friendship, and wish you the best next year at that retarded school of yours lol.

hoes.

Sidelines...



Do you feel comfortable taking the backburner to another woman? Is it a whorish deed to be another woman?

I've been in this situation before, with my first boyfriend. I waited for him to leave her, but at the time I was young and naive. But I waited for him, and I knew the hurt that I might have been causing to his girl. Because as soon as I hit the line, he dropped everything for me. But I never considered that
If he cheated with me, HE WOULD CHEAT ON ME.

I'm pretty sure he believes, that I never thought he cheated on me. But I wasn't that stupid. Females have this instinct about them, they know when their man is cheating, at that point it just becomes a matter of choosing battles.

But anyway back to the matter at hand, it's interesting to me how women always want to be the main squeeze in someone's life, but don't mind taking another woman's man.

Me personally, I don't mind being the other woman. I don't need a man, therefore I don't need to be his number one. But, I'm also not with fuckin` another woman's man. That's just low. I think if you want my body, you should have enough respect to make me your one and only.

So I just wanted to voice that I think it's okay to be friends, and let him treat you. Especially at my age, now it becomes a completely different circumstance when he has a family, or is engaged. I don't want to take a man away from his family or his wife. That's just wrong.

But a girlfriend, c`mon now. These girlFRIENDS these days have some territorial issues. You don't own him, just like he doesn't own you. And if you choose not to play the game...well that's your folly.

&& I guess that's it.

FINALLY.

eyes lock in a trance

your touch opens me

i flinch and lock back

and you try to start again

i can't help but be scared

it is my first time

you lean over my thick frame

in my ear, whispering

"Don't worry, I'mma take it from here"

The warmth of your breath

moving across my neck

sends an untangible jolt

through my body

awakening a moisture

in my precious spot.

your hands moving on my body

butterfly kisses across my chest

grasping my thighs gently

"you ready ba`e"

i close my eyes

ready for whatever

then JAM!

I squeeze onto you

causing you to suck

your teeth in the most

pleasurable pain ever

I curl my back, bite my lip

the pain still there

tears fall as I fit to you

you kiss them away.

I've done it.

It's done.

I'm yours now.

I am fit to you.

Only you.

this was great.

"go ahead, leak."

i let it go, and you smile.

virginity; no more.

finally we've had

SEX.

younameit.

i need a friend,
not a lover.
not an enemy,
i need a friend.

i need a ride home,
when my moms gotta work.
when troubles get steep,
i need an ear to listen.

i need someone to hug and hold,
so it need not be a female.
someone with big arms and personality,
i need someone to chill with.

i need to be able to argue,
don't let me always be right.
talk to me about your life,
i need to help him out.

i need you to teach me,
how to grow, love, and live.
playing drums, shooting dice,
i need him to respect boundaries.

i need a friend! are you that somebody?

feelin' bad.

“Women have a wonderful instinct about things. They can discover everything
except the obvious.” --Oscar Wilde

Why is it that we as women always can pick out the worst guy in the bunch and fall in love with him? Why is that we go out with a great guy for an evening and never call him again?

I have no idea what the answer to the first question is, but I know I've done it before. And that second one, that's what bothers me. That's my main topic for today. I can truly admit to being so high strung on a guy who really couldn't have cared less about me, that I completely forgot about someone who may have been perfect for me. I mean going back and seeing someone doing so well without you, and thinking, that could've been us,is by far one of the worst mindsets to live in.

So what brings me to this topic?
I'm so glad you asked.

There was this guy that I had the biggest crush on I'd say about three or four years ago. I mean I thought he was sweet, talented, attractive, but just a little shy. He had a girlfriend that he'd been on and off with, but I knew that as soon as June passed, their relationship would be over. He was a year younger than me, but he was just as mature. if not more mature than the guys who were the same age as me. So he and I went out on a date. It was beautiful, he bought me these pretty pink roses [ the ones that last for much longer than a day ] and we dressed up really formal. He and I had a great time that night. So what caused me to stop talking to him?

FOOLISHNESS.

I was so high on this other guy, who had permanently threw me into the friend zone. I mean I would've given my left leg to be with this dude and he basically treated me like a groupie. If you've ever read Confessions of a Video Vixen, think about her and Ja Rule's relationship. That's how I was treated. Probably even worse, because part of the reason the dude even became as popular as he did was because of me. But whatever, that's another story for another time. I mean I let this guy wipe the floor with my emotions, when I had a wonderful guy right beneath my nose. It's so damn sad when I think about it.

So what made me think about this guy you ask? I watched one of his facebook videos today. He makes such beautiful music. He's so talented. And I let him slip away. He so far ahead of his time, and I'm just like wow, I can't believe I let him go without even trying to form a relationship. Guess what, I saw that other guy too. He was smoked out in this club that I was at, standing by his lonesome self.

I'm bothered by the fact that I want those type of people. I mean the past three relationships that I actually have tried to maintain, are with dudes who really don't have a plan for their life like he does. [ And I'll be damned if they aren't all older than him ]

So today I'm starting a new lifestyle. No more, "ooh he's this," or "ooh he's that." I'm taking a deep look inside first, and I want to know what this man will have to offer me. What are his goals/aspirations ( if he even has goals )?Does he have a five year plan? Will my mom respect him?

And I want to not be picky, but sometimes you have to. Because if I base it solely upon how homeboy will treat me, whose to say that won't change in a heart beat.

Well, that's it I guess. Sorry for lack of closure there, but I just wanted to get that off my chest.

nervous.

Matthew 17:20 He replied, "Because you have so little
faith. I tell you the truth, ifyou have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will beimpossible for you."

Faith was a very hard thing to come by for me. It took me years of dealing with several different frivolous churches, people, and ideals that I realized that the onlyway for me to truly fulfill my life's potential was to turn my life over to Christ. But just because I'm saved doesn't mean I always sure about my faith, today was oneof those days when I was just afraid. All because of what may happen tomorrow. I don’t think I’ve ever been this nervous about a doctor’s visit before. I’ve been having so many female problems and it’s really scaring me.Like my biggest fear is that I’m going to go into that office tomorrow morning and the doctor is going to tell me I have uterine cancer, or that I won’t ever be able to rear children. So I’m just praying hoping that whatever is going on isn’t anything that can’tbe fixed. Nothing is too powerful for my God, and I know what ever the result is, it was meant to happen to me for a reason. So, father, hear my prayer in a time when I must persevere in your faith. You said that you would never leave or forsake me, so I know whatever the results, it is all in your plan.I know that you are much to wise to make mistakes and even your foolishness is greater thanany human intelligence. Please grace me with your mercy in this next day, and bless me with your love. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Man u and some other ppl will go all around the world looking for excuses to
CONTINUE to talk about bitches like children do. If u gotta talk about somebody
just to fit in or be accepted of even just listened too what kind of person are
u? U must have no real qualities about yourself for one to like besides
entertaining ppl with ur ignorance. Man that makes u a joke if that's what u
gotta do to "survive" but survive though? Survival? Man when in the hell did it
ever get THAT serious?

It really bothers me that this hoe thinks all I have to do with my life is fuckin' talk about people. I'll admit, it damn sure is a hobby of mine but that is because where I'm from, it's a hobby of everyone's Now, let's decipher this shit piece by piece, because I'm about to lay her ass out, and I damn sure don't want to miss a beat of what she said. Firstly, learn the fuck how to spell. Anyway, she misinterpreted my entire comment, she thought I said I could not survive without talking about people. NO HOOKER. I said there are people in this world who can't and I gave an exact location, time, and date she could go to see them.I don't talk about people to be accepted, as a matter of fact, I'm one of the main people out of my friends who is chill on the topic.Don't get me wrong if I see someone go out the house looking like this; [insert hotghettomess.com photo here ] I give myself the authority to lay them out. But don't think for one second that I just randomly pick on people to talk about. I pick out people when I see something wrong. And if you have a problem...let's just go with the hater anthem of the year

...[trey] U MAD? UNFOLLOW! [/trey]

• I'm the kind of person who is caring, and who is selfless. But at the same time so is Ma'dea. When she sees someone lookin' to' up from the flo' up, she say somethin'.Say what you want for me comparing myself to a fictional character, but we all know Ma'dea is the truth. I'm sorry y'all this bitch said I entertain people with my ignorance.I don't usually give a fuck what anyone says about me, online or real life,but she took that shit too damn far. First of all my NEW ARAB` , the word you meant to use was stupidity, I don't know how much I have to stress that. And since I'm correcting you,it kinda shows who the real ignorant one is. Let's see what qualities do I have about myself...
• -I'm intelligent
• -I have goals in life.
• -I do the best I can to give back to my community and those less fortunate than me.
• -I'm an exceptional student.
• -I hold several high stake leadership roles not only within my school, but also within my community. Some example include Class President, SGA Historian, the only person on commission for Children, Youth, and Families that is under 21, and I'm also a member of the Prince George's County Youth Commission.
• -I go to church every Friday ( even though I still curse like a sailor, I'm working on it )
• -I'm a caring, loving, and giving sister, friend, daughter, niece, and godmother.

Now don't ever fuckin' call me ignorant, stupid, or lacking in personality again in your cyber life. Because next time I won't be so polite about laying your ass out. And you called me a joke. Well maybe I am. I'm only seventeen, and my God has much more planned for me in this masterpiece he called my life. So think what you want, but honey, I'm well aware of who I am, and where I am going.
As for the survival comment...if you would've thoroughly read through my previous statement, you would know that I don't need to make jokes on people for survival,but where I'm from there are plenty of niggas who do.

NOW...since I'm done with you, give yourself a round of e-applause, because you pissed me off enough to make it into my diary, and I had nothing else to talk about.I'm pretty sure the stash of SuzieQ's you had sitting next to your computer desk,will be gone after reading this...so do you want a cookie?