feelin' bad.

“Women have a wonderful instinct about things. They can discover everything
except the obvious.” --Oscar Wilde

Why is it that we as women always can pick out the worst guy in the bunch and fall in love with him? Why is that we go out with a great guy for an evening and never call him again?

I have no idea what the answer to the first question is, but I know I've done it before. And that second one, that's what bothers me. That's my main topic for today. I can truly admit to being so high strung on a guy who really couldn't have cared less about me, that I completely forgot about someone who may have been perfect for me. I mean going back and seeing someone doing so well without you, and thinking, that could've been us,is by far one of the worst mindsets to live in.

So what brings me to this topic?
I'm so glad you asked.

There was this guy that I had the biggest crush on I'd say about three or four years ago. I mean I thought he was sweet, talented, attractive, but just a little shy. He had a girlfriend that he'd been on and off with, but I knew that as soon as June passed, their relationship would be over. He was a year younger than me, but he was just as mature. if not more mature than the guys who were the same age as me. So he and I went out on a date. It was beautiful, he bought me these pretty pink roses [ the ones that last for much longer than a day ] and we dressed up really formal. He and I had a great time that night. So what caused me to stop talking to him?

FOOLISHNESS.

I was so high on this other guy, who had permanently threw me into the friend zone. I mean I would've given my left leg to be with this dude and he basically treated me like a groupie. If you've ever read Confessions of a Video Vixen, think about her and Ja Rule's relationship. That's how I was treated. Probably even worse, because part of the reason the dude even became as popular as he did was because of me. But whatever, that's another story for another time. I mean I let this guy wipe the floor with my emotions, when I had a wonderful guy right beneath my nose. It's so damn sad when I think about it.

So what made me think about this guy you ask? I watched one of his facebook videos today. He makes such beautiful music. He's so talented. And I let him slip away. He so far ahead of his time, and I'm just like wow, I can't believe I let him go without even trying to form a relationship. Guess what, I saw that other guy too. He was smoked out in this club that I was at, standing by his lonesome self.

I'm bothered by the fact that I want those type of people. I mean the past three relationships that I actually have tried to maintain, are with dudes who really don't have a plan for their life like he does. [ And I'll be damned if they aren't all older than him ]

So today I'm starting a new lifestyle. No more, "ooh he's this," or "ooh he's that." I'm taking a deep look inside first, and I want to know what this man will have to offer me. What are his goals/aspirations ( if he even has goals )?Does he have a five year plan? Will my mom respect him?

And I want to not be picky, but sometimes you have to. Because if I base it solely upon how homeboy will treat me, whose to say that won't change in a heart beat.

Well, that's it I guess. Sorry for lack of closure there, but I just wanted to get that off my chest.

nervous.

Matthew 17:20 He replied, "Because you have so little
faith. I tell you the truth, ifyou have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will beimpossible for you."

Faith was a very hard thing to come by for me. It took me years of dealing with several different frivolous churches, people, and ideals that I realized that the onlyway for me to truly fulfill my life's potential was to turn my life over to Christ. But just because I'm saved doesn't mean I always sure about my faith, today was oneof those days when I was just afraid. All because of what may happen tomorrow. I don’t think I’ve ever been this nervous about a doctor’s visit before. I’ve been having so many female problems and it’s really scaring me.Like my biggest fear is that I’m going to go into that office tomorrow morning and the doctor is going to tell me I have uterine cancer, or that I won’t ever be able to rear children. So I’m just praying hoping that whatever is going on isn’t anything that can’tbe fixed. Nothing is too powerful for my God, and I know what ever the result is, it was meant to happen to me for a reason. So, father, hear my prayer in a time when I must persevere in your faith. You said that you would never leave or forsake me, so I know whatever the results, it is all in your plan.I know that you are much to wise to make mistakes and even your foolishness is greater thanany human intelligence. Please grace me with your mercy in this next day, and bless me with your love. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Man u and some other ppl will go all around the world looking for excuses to
CONTINUE to talk about bitches like children do. If u gotta talk about somebody
just to fit in or be accepted of even just listened too what kind of person are
u? U must have no real qualities about yourself for one to like besides
entertaining ppl with ur ignorance. Man that makes u a joke if that's what u
gotta do to "survive" but survive though? Survival? Man when in the hell did it
ever get THAT serious?

It really bothers me that this hoe thinks all I have to do with my life is fuckin' talk about people. I'll admit, it damn sure is a hobby of mine but that is because where I'm from, it's a hobby of everyone's Now, let's decipher this shit piece by piece, because I'm about to lay her ass out, and I damn sure don't want to miss a beat of what she said. Firstly, learn the fuck how to spell. Anyway, she misinterpreted my entire comment, she thought I said I could not survive without talking about people. NO HOOKER. I said there are people in this world who can't and I gave an exact location, time, and date she could go to see them.I don't talk about people to be accepted, as a matter of fact, I'm one of the main people out of my friends who is chill on the topic.Don't get me wrong if I see someone go out the house looking like this; [insert hotghettomess.com photo here ] I give myself the authority to lay them out. But don't think for one second that I just randomly pick on people to talk about. I pick out people when I see something wrong. And if you have a problem...let's just go with the hater anthem of the year

...[trey] U MAD? UNFOLLOW! [/trey]

• I'm the kind of person who is caring, and who is selfless. But at the same time so is Ma'dea. When she sees someone lookin' to' up from the flo' up, she say somethin'.Say what you want for me comparing myself to a fictional character, but we all know Ma'dea is the truth. I'm sorry y'all this bitch said I entertain people with my ignorance.I don't usually give a fuck what anyone says about me, online or real life,but she took that shit too damn far. First of all my NEW ARAB` , the word you meant to use was stupidity, I don't know how much I have to stress that. And since I'm correcting you,it kinda shows who the real ignorant one is. Let's see what qualities do I have about myself...
• -I'm intelligent
• -I have goals in life.
• -I do the best I can to give back to my community and those less fortunate than me.
• -I'm an exceptional student.
• -I hold several high stake leadership roles not only within my school, but also within my community. Some example include Class President, SGA Historian, the only person on commission for Children, Youth, and Families that is under 21, and I'm also a member of the Prince George's County Youth Commission.
• -I go to church every Friday ( even though I still curse like a sailor, I'm working on it )
• -I'm a caring, loving, and giving sister, friend, daughter, niece, and godmother.

Now don't ever fuckin' call me ignorant, stupid, or lacking in personality again in your cyber life. Because next time I won't be so polite about laying your ass out. And you called me a joke. Well maybe I am. I'm only seventeen, and my God has much more planned for me in this masterpiece he called my life. So think what you want, but honey, I'm well aware of who I am, and where I am going.
As for the survival comment...if you would've thoroughly read through my previous statement, you would know that I don't need to make jokes on people for survival,but where I'm from there are plenty of niggas who do.

NOW...since I'm done with you, give yourself a round of e-applause, because you pissed me off enough to make it into my diary, and I had nothing else to talk about.I'm pretty sure the stash of SuzieQ's you had sitting next to your computer desk,will be gone after reading this...so do you want a cookie?

the weekend

So I fully enjoyed my damn weekend. I can truly sayI ain't had this much fun, in a long ass time. I gotto go out and guess what his name ain't come up once. It was so lovely. I met new people, kicked it with the fam,I mean I really just enjoyed myself. My friends are just so beautifuland my life is just so blessed. Cheese and rice, my weekend wasso awesome.

THURSDAY NIGHT

Swear to goodness, I did not know my cousin couldthrow such a successful function. WE PARTIED, I meanlike this event was so much fun. And can you say bait...I didn't even know my cousin had friends that freaking attractive.Almost all the dudes in that building were freaking orgasmic. OMG I had so much fun. Too bad it ended early...Like BScott would say...please know that you're an ex. Shit,some girls just do not need liquor, thought I was gonna have to beata hoe down for my cousin. But he handled that the way only he knew how. We had fun though.

FRIDAY

So after spending the day with my aunt, and realizing thatthe lady really does need to some soul searching. I took myself to church. The message was about living your life for Christ, andnot for yourself. The guest minister actually came up with a quick li'lrhyme to remind us why we were here. It went something like :

So live your life, ay ay ay.

And stop chasing that paper.

Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay.

Ain't got no time for no haters.

Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay.

No telling where Christ will take you.

Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay.

Cause I'm a savior chaser.

Just living my life (ay), for Christ (oh),

Cuz my life (ay), Is his life (oh)

Just living my life (ay), for Christ (oh),

Cuz my life (ay), Is His life (oh)

After that, I came home for a bit and had a nice double quarter-pounderWith cheese, a vanilla ice coffee, and a medium fry. OMG I swear that hadTo be the best meal I’d had all day lol. But it was chill. My godsister pickedMe up around midnight and we rode out to this girl named Miracle’s party. ItWas fun even thought it got shut down within the fifteen minutes of us being There. But it was cool to see some of the Fab 7. ( The FAB7 includes myself, Isatu aka Ice, Chelsea aka Chels, Chika aka Loso, Kareema aka Hilary Banks, Sonia, and Sophia aka Francine ) After that my godsister and I went back to her house and Just chilled out. Watched the FIOS and what not. This is the SECOND FridayNight we had the house to ourselves and didn’t have company. We need to workOn predicting my aunties patterns just a little bit better lol.

SATURDAY.

Fuckin` longest night of my life... So I was supposed to be going to a "college party." Eh, I THINK NOT! It was so stupid. After taking fifteenminutes to find the damn dorm room, we get there and ain't nothin' poppin at all.Well, it was endless bottles, but we wasn't really tryna get drunk before the party started. Then the ignorant ass hosts didn't even bother to greet us whenwe came in. I was too damn through. So we waited around 30 minutes forthe party to start and it began to turn into a taco fest, so we jetted around the cornerto the closest IHOP. That was fun, we all ordered a mango splash to-go and headedto Adams Morgan in hopes of finding some good liquor ( and a hot ass date ) to mix it with.People say that Adams Morgan is like DC's Bourbon Street, I must concur. It was so live. People from all walks of life, fat ones, skinny ones, black ones, white ones. I mean all types of people. Too bad it took us several hours to find a parking spot. Itwas fun though, even though some drunk nigga called me the huge one outof my friends. I'll admit, since I wasn't buzzed that did kinda blow my night, and since me and all my girls had to piss, we decided it was time to leave. It only added more fuelto the fire when I stepped on my friends shoe and broke it. Oh well, we couldn't piss around there anyway, none of us were over 18. But we did see a decent amount of bait, and we did have one hell of a party in the car. And we didn't get home until 4AM, which definitely required sneaking in. ( Hard to dowhen she sleeps on the couch )

SUNDAY.

After sleeping until five, I welcomed Gianni. He was so freakin' adorable. I couldn't touch him because I had pinkeye, but I wasglad to see him and photograph him. One of the most beautiful things is having a baby come into your life. Even though he's not my child, I still am so happy to be able to see this little 2 hour old baby grow and one day become a man. Hopefully, in God's Will, a good man just like his Daddy. It was a wonderful way to end off such a joyous weekend. And even though he didn't come on the due date I chose ( July 21 ), he still came. A healthy baby boy, with ten fingers, and ten toes, five pounds nine ounces, and 18 inches. I swear it may have been the most beautiful thing in the world to seemy godbrother hold his son...and I will forever cherish that moment.

I pray that God continues to fill my life with blessings like these,and I want him to know that I am ever so grateful.

Just a few things have been on my mind...

HATE.
Do you know how much I fucking hate you? Do you know how much I loved you? I guess not. Your one of the mainpeople who taught me how to love hard, harder than anything else Iever did...and you're the same motherfucker who broke my heart.I hate to admit how much I love you because it makes me seem so stupid, just like it seems so damn stupid that I'm sitting here writing about your ass TWO YEARS after the fact. Nothing that I can ever try to do will makeme forget you or the things you did for me. I guess that's what makes it so hard to hate you. You were so good to me when we were friends. Sowhat our relationship had its quirks, like the way we fought. ( I mean we foughtmade Chris and Rihanna look like love taps. ) But we were best friends andno one could tell us different, we cared too much about each other. UGH, I fucking loved everything about you. And now I hate you. Every moving.breathing living part of your body makes me hate you. Even the parts thatdon't move, like that spot on the back of your neck, where all the nerves in the human body connect. I can't believe you let some whack-ass, little ass BOY,fuck up the friendship that we worked on for three years. FUCK YOU! It's horrible, because we were so damn great together that our auras are still tiedup in each other. Everytime I go out I see your ass. ITS BEEN TWO DAMN YEARS!I haven't even had the oppurtunity to cope right, because when I try to go and have fun your name comes up, or I FUCKIN` SEE YOU. Just get over life, I need to get away from you. Maybe college will do us both some good, and I can cut you out of my life...for good. But damn, I still can't help but think of the good times...


YOUDAFUCKIN`BEST.

Some people are just great for you. You, my nigga,are like Vitamin C, I need you daily. You have always been there, evenwhen you didn't want to be. So subtly fitting your way into my life, it makesme smile every single time. Warning me about dumb niggas, guarding my heartas if I really was your sister. You know, I'm so selfish. I never even bother to find out what's going on with you. And even though it's hard for you to openup, I know if I asked, you'd probably tell me so much shit, I'd cry for not askingsooner. You truly are the best friend I've had. You never intruded, judged, or spared the harsh words. lol. But that's okay, as I've said countless times before,you keep me grounded, and I thank God for it. Thank you for being one of thepeople who inspired me to get saved. ( Thank your brother for me too. ) I know you hate when I call you best friend, but I don't have any other words for whatyou mean to me. You give 100% to make sure I'm happy, and although we've lost that tight bond we used to have, people still know we have a friendship not to be fucked with. You will be the best at whatever you do, as long as you rememberthat no one matters accept God and family. I care about you so much best friend. I love you, even if you and I never tell each other. I love you!!!!


wannabeBAIT.

So I really like you. I really am sorry that your feeling so badly,it's been going on for the entire week. Please get better Trevor.I hate to see good people feeling bad. Maybe you're having a period day, perfectly understandable. Even Superman had an off day or two. I'm praying for you, hoping you feel better, andhoping you can enjoy the blessings God has given you. It'd be selfish of me to go into details about the things I want from you so I won't. Have a good rest Trevor, life is continually blessing you.


CAN`TSTOPMISSIN`U.

Tyler Perry told me people come into your life, in the same way that a tree grows. You have seasonal folks,leaves branches, roots, and bark. I miss you. I can'tseem to figure out which one you were but which ever partof my tree that you were, I can't help but miss it. I meaneven a tree without wishy-washy leaves gets cold, right? I see your doing very well and I am very proud of you. I wish we could have what we used to have, but it's clearafter the other night that those things won't happen. You'rea really good dude, and I'm glad to see you grew up from the immature one you used to be. Thank you for the advice you gave the other night, it helped ( even though it was aboutyou ). I hope you make some pretty lady happy one day.

This one is for you boy, You know who you are...

mourning over a love that never was

I promised myself I told myself that falling into thesehapless fantasies with people I barely even knew, and having these childish ass crushes was a thing of the past. So I tried and tried and told myself this summerI was going to meet him, and we would fall in love. and it would actually work. But yet and still here I am looking stupid. Waiting for him to reply to some random facebook message. Was I serious?I guess I was. I'll try not to worry about him, but I'm not giving up on him. I actually want him this time, and I'm not letting him go that easy.